


you got married? what like to a woman?

by eventheoretically



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bickering as Flirting, Blow Jobs, Canon Divergence, Emotions, Fix-It, Fluff, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, Service Top Richie Tozier, a lot of talking during sex, adultery I guess? Haha w/e, bottom Eddie Kasperak, mentions of animal death?? but super briefly, not first time but first time in a while
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 10:10:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21117032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eventheoretically/pseuds/eventheoretically
Summary: Eddie shows up at Richie’s hotel room door to ask what the fuck that "joke" at the restaurant was supposed to mean.





	you got married? what like to a woman?

**Author's Note:**

> A/n: I don't know how much of this actually fits into canon but whatever man just go with it I'm having fun.

Richie opens the door to a grim-faced Eddie, mouth a straight line and eyebrows furrowed. The face it's on is older, but the expression is almost identical to the one Richie now remembers frequently being on the receiving end of throughout his childhood.

"Eds?"

"We need to talk." He responds, pushing past Richie, never asking, always telling, the same bossy little bitch that Richie grew up with, it's weirdly comforting.

"Okay well come on in, I'd be happy to welcome you into my room." He says pointedly to the open doorway, turning in time to see Eddie roll his eyes.

"Oh yeah like you ever use your fucking manners, if please or thank you came out of your trash mouth you would probably spontaneously combust, you know what-"

Getting Eddie going is one of his top ten favorite activities and he can't believe it's been over twenty years since he's gotten the chance to do it. He grins.

At his smile Eddie stops himself, pointing an accusatory finger at him. "I see what you're doing asshole and I'm not falling for it."

"I don't know what you're talking about man." Richie's smile grows, unable to hide how much he's enjoying himself.

"Oh, you don't know huh? You think I don't know all your tricks, Rich? Mister "Oh Eddie's an easy target I'll constantly be trying to piss him off because I'm an asshole who enjoys that kind of shit"."

Richie laughs. "Yeah, you're about right."

Eddie makes a sound of outrage, opening his mouth to go off before stopping himself, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. When he opens them he looks serious and focused. "I came here to ask you something."

"Okay.' Richie says, hoping his hesitation isn't too noticeable. "Ask away Eds."

"When I told you I was married you said 'to a woman?' And I wanna know why."

Richie feels his heart do some freaky panicked shit in his chest. "You want me to explain the concept of a shitty gay joke to you? I'm a hack Eddie, I went for the lazy joke. Sue me."

Eddie glares. "I can fucking tell when you're joking Richie

Richie cringes, his whole life 'I was just joking' has been his go-to excuse for accidentally being too honest, it's never worked as well with Eddie as it does with others, he remembers that now.

"I don't know what to tell you, man." He says because that's true at least.

"I want you to tell me why you were so fucking surprised that I married a woman!"

"Do you really need me to answer that?"

Eddie's jaw drops. "Fuck you! What's that supposed to mean? That I just give off some sort of natural gay vibes and no one wanted to break it to me?"

"Do you- do you seriously not remember?"

Eddie hesitates. "Remember what?"

Richie can feel his face burning, he had assumed Eddie _knew_, that they didn't talk about it but of course he fucking remembered _Eddie_, not his name maybe, but he had pictures, a few half there half gone memories, not much but nothing he would have ever let himself forget.

Most of the pictures he has are at his parents place in Rhode Island, buried in some box in their basement with all the other childhood relics they'd brought with them from Derry, but he'd kept one, not really knowing why.

It's tucked in the corner of his bedroom mirror. Still with him after four different apartments, kept safe even as the reason for its importance faded. Eddie had gotten a Polaroid camera that summer, had turned the camera towards them as they laid curled together on Richie's bed, the picture is a little shaky but you can still see how stupid in love Richie looks, the goofy smile on his face, his eyes on Eddie and not the camera.

"Nothing." He says, voice shaking entirely unconvincingly. "Just gay vibes is all, you were right."

"Bullshit Richie, just say it."

"Say what?"

"What I apparently don't remember." Eddie crossed his arms, stern expression on his face, like a math teacher, or a stepdad. It's hotter then it has any right to be. "Just tell me the truth, Rich."

Richie hesitates, trying to figure out how to phrase it delicately, finally just deciding to blurt it out, a decision he makes so often it could easily be described as chronic.

"We banged."

"Oh fuck off," Eddie responds immediately. "Be serious Richie you asshole."

"Serious as your mom's hemorrhoids my dude."

"Shut the hell up." He snaps, arms crossing defensively across his chest, a classic Kaspbrak move. "You're messing with me."

"Come on man, you don't remember at all?" Richie sighs, scrubbing a hand through his thinning hair. "It was like- all we did the summer before college."

"No, we didn't." Eddie's eyes narrow, he's starting to look a little unsure. "I lost my virginity to my wife in my second year of University."

"Nope, you lost it to me first week of summer, my parents were out and we fucked in my bed," Richie says, then pauses. "Wait so- is your wife seriously the only other person you've slept with?"

"Fuck off." Eddie snaps, face going an angry red.

"Aw, Eds that's so sad." And he kinda wishes he could have said that like less of an asshole because he does mean it, him and Eddie had something good for a little while, the idea that Eddie didn't get to go find something else good kinda bums him out.

Eddie makes an outraged noise. "Oh fuck you man, how many women have you slept with? Huh? Big man big Hollywood hotshot doesn't even write his own material? How many chicks you banging out in the fucking Hollywood hills?" He pokes Richie’s chest to accent his words.

"Uhh... none? I'm gay dumbass."

Eddie opens and closes his mouth like one of those singing big mouth bass things. "Oh. You're like- fully gay?"

"No, I'm one fourth on my mother's side." Richie deadpans.

"Shut up," Eddie says instinctively, then he hesitates. "Am I?"

"Oh, so you believe me now?"

The tips of Eddie's ears go redder than the rest of his face. "I'm maybe... remembering. Things. Stuff. It's still fuzzy I don't know man."

"And you want to know if you and I are- and I quote- "fully gay"?"

"I think I am," Eddie whispers in a quiet panicked voice. "Like I think I actually am man, I'm gay and I'm _married_ to a _**woman**_."

Eddie covers his mouth, eyes going wide and glassy like he's just now realizing what this means for his life.

"I..." Richie has no idea what he can say to help.

Eddie is quiet, and the moment stretches on, uncomfortable silence turning into unbearable silence turning into Richie cooking inside his own fucking skin, eyeballs about to boil out of his goddamn head if he doesn't say something.

"Eds?"

"Don't call me that," Eddie responds reflexively, eyes still a little absent with shock.

"Are you-"

"If you say "okay" I will rip your fucking balls off and feed them to the fucking birds."

"Would birds even eat that?"

"I don't fucking know Richie! I don't fucking know what birds eat!" He is gesturing wildly, movements frantic. "Seeds! I fucking guess!"

"I know ducks eat bread," Richie adds, prodding him, just trying to keep him talking because that's all Richies ever wanted to do.

"But they fucking _shouldn't_, there's all these signs at the duck pond and people fucking ignore them and feed the ducks fucking bread and it screws them up."

"You go to a lot of duck ponds Eds?"

"You shut your fucking mouth." Eddie makes an almost screeching sound in the back of his throat. "My life is collapsing around me and you're one of the idiots making the fucking ducks fat."

"Is that the issue? Them getting fat?" And okay maybe now he's a little curious.

"I'm going to kill you." Eddie intones seriously. "That clowns not even going to get a chance because I'm going to kill you with my bare hands."

"Because of the ducks or the we used to bang thing?"

"Oh my god." Eddie groans, covering his face with his hands. "We used to fucking bang. I'm _gay_, I literally forgot I am fucking gay."

"Yeeeeah," Richie says, not really knowing what he could say that could actually be helpful to Eddie's midlife gay crisis.

"I thought- I thought maybe- but I was way to chicken shit to experiment in college and then I ended up dating my wife and I just assumed-" Eddie fists his hands in his short hair. "I just assumed no one liked sex as much as they pretended to! I thought-"

Richie’s hand hovers vaguely, Eddie's pretty hit or miss when it comes to physical comfort when he's stressed, sometimes he loves it but it's also a good way to get punched in the dick. "It's...okay? Buddy."

"I'm not even bi Richie! I don't like women at all! I have a wife and I'm not attracted to women!" His voice is nearly at a pitch only dogs could hear.

Eddie bends over, gasping and reaching frantically for his inhaler.

"Come on you don't need that-"

Eddie points at him aggressively. "Don't you-" He takes a few quick hits off the inhaler. "fucking start with me Richie Tozier."

Richie holds up his hands in surrender. "Okay okay I get it, you're going through a lot-"

"Oh _am_ I going through a lot? I forgot I was gay for more than twenty years!" Eddie hisses, eyes a little wild. "And there’s a killer fucking clown on the loose and Stan’s fucking _dead_ and-” His voice cracks, bottom lip wobbling like it did when they were kids. “And we're probably going to die too and- and I fucking _**loved**_ you, Richie. I loved you and I just _forgot_."

Richie goes still as a statue, mouth hanging open slightly. He had thought, he had hoped, but they never said. "You loved me?"

Eddie sighs, shoulders relaxing a little. "Of course I loved you, you dumbass, I was like- the most obvious."

"I don't know Eds I remember being pretty stiff competition on that front."

Eddie smiles, small and soft as he reluctantly puts his inhaler away. "Yeah you were, we were so dumb."

"I'm still dumb." Richie says because he can't say 'I still love you' but it seems like the least terrifying way to say the same thing.

Eddie hesitates, eyes searching his face, Eddie could always read him like a book, could always tell when he really meant it. "Yeah?"

"Maybe even dumber, those fucking polos got me going Eds."

Eddie laughs, shoving at his shoulder. "Beep Beep Richie you motherfucker, I thought we were having a moment."

"We are," Richie says and he smiles but sounds so serious that Eddie stops, hand still on his shoulder, he presses it flat against Richie’s chest.

Richie brings up a hand to cover it and it's stupid and romantic and he doesn't care because until tonight he had barely even remembered to miss this.

Eddie's eyes flicker between their hands and Richie’s face, and he can see the indecision brewing behind his eyes. "I have a wife."

"Okay." Richie doesn't _care_ exactly, but he can't really argue that answer.

Luckily Eddie can.

"But okay I feel like this qualifies as an extenuating circumstance, like til death do us part unless a clown makes me forget I'm gay then all that shit goes out the window and it's cool for Richie Tozier to go to fucking town on me."

"Is that what you want Eds?" Richie leans in slightly.

"Maybe a little bit." He murmurs, eyes flickering down to Richie’s mouth.

"Then make the first move."

And it's like that's all the permission Eddie needs, crashing into him gracelessly and a little painfully. It's not good and then, like finding the part that skips on a VHS tape, familiar and well worn, they fall into their old rhythm.

Richie’s hands go to Eddie's waist, Eddie's fingers tangling in his hair, both trying to get as close as humanly possible.

"God I fucking missed this." Richie breathes out when they finally come up for air, forehead still pressed against Eddie's.

"I didn't," Eddie says quietly. "Which also kinda sucks, fucking clown didn't even let me miss you."

Richie let's out a laugh that's only a little unhinged. "It’s bullshit."

"Total fucking bullshit." And Eddie laughs too, both of them pressed together and grinning with a kind of giddy relief.

Richie kisses him again, then a few more times across his cheeks, he leans away a little, keeping Eddie looped in with his arms, hands joined together as the small of his back, "Do you remember when I asked you to come to California with me? But you had your heart set on that school in New York."

"My _mom_ had her heart set on that school, I was just too scared to go against her."

"I shoulda went with you." Richie murmurs. "I had that job lined up but fuck my career I'm miserable anyway."

"I should have gone with you when you asked, I was so scared and it seemed like such a big risk and I was _so_-" Eddie falters, voice shaking a little, Richie rubs his back soothingly. "If I hadn't been such a coward we could have had this for _years._"

"I would have fucked it up," Richie says confidently. "I've never had a relationship last more than six months Eds."

"You think you could have gotten rid of me just by being an asshole Tozier? I know you, you rat bastard."

Richie grins. "You talk so sweet to me baby."

"Please, like you want sweet." Eddie rolls his eyes.

"I want you," Richie says before he can stop himself, not sure if he would anyway.

Eddie looks at him for a long moment, worrying at the inside of his cheek, finally, he blurts out: "Are you _sure_ Rich?"

Richie rolls his eyes. "I've been in love with you for literal decades numbnuts, yeah I'm sure."

"I'm really messed up dude, like- I've been through three therapists this year levels of messed up."

"Well you got one up on me then, I'm not emotionally healthy enough to admit that I even need a therapist." He says it like a trump card, like 'ha**HA** I'm more fucked up than you! I win'.

Eddie lets the moment hang for a second, giving Richie a Look. "...okay but you know you definitely do, right? Like I'm pretty sure even without being able to remember most of it we all have pretty severe PTSD."

"Eh potato potahto."

"That doesn't even-" Eddie stops himself. "Look here’s the deal man: I have at least two different anxiety disorders, general low-level depression, the aforementioned PTSD, some OCD tendencies and some pretty serious anger problems."

"Whaaat? You? Eddie Kaspbrak? Have anger problems? Well, I never." He says the last part like a southern bell knowing Eddie will hate it, putting a hand dramatically to his chest as he gasps.

"Shut up asshole." He looks away, blush high on his cheeks, he looks away with a scrunched up little face that makes Richie want to pinch his cheeks like a grandma. "I punched my last therapist, his name was Rodney and he was a dickhead, he kept asking about my mother and I just lost it."

"I get it, man." Richie shrugs one shoulder nonchalantly. "Nobody likes talking about your mother."

Eddie doesn't even argue that just kind of makes a vaguely affirmative noise in his throat, still not looking at Richie.

"I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic." Richie offers, a sort of -you showed me yours I guess I should show you mine- kind of deal. "And I mean I'm obviously depressed, but I'm a comedian that's like basically written into my contract. Also, I threw up on the last dude I tried to hook up with, I was really drunk, y'know, cause of the whole being an alcoholic thing."

Eddie finally looks at him, eyes wide, eyebrows fully up, after a few tense moments he starts laughing, quiet choked off laughs at first, then so loud he has to cover his mouth with his hand to smother them.

Richie starts laughing too, kinda sad, a little hysterical. "Fuck we are disastrous."

Eddie wipes away actual tears, face red as his laughter eases off. "Yeah no shit, but at least we're even."

"Are we though? You're at least trying to manage your shit, I haven't even started. I won't blame you if you want to get off the Richie express at this station, I'm not kidding dude I am really fucked up."

Eddie looks at him for a few long seconds, finally bringing his hand up to cup Richie’s cheek, expression shockingly soft, it reminds him of still foggy memories, quiet moments between the two of them, when all their banter would fall away and they'd just be left with the fact that they actually _love_ each other, and back then maybe it was closer to puppy dog love, but now it's a deep persistent grown-up love, and they both feel it and to a scared closeted Richie Tozier that seems more impossible than all this evil clown bullshit.

"So am I," Eddie says, smile weird and gentle. "So we might as well be fucked up together."

"After all this is over are you still going to feel that way?" Richie can't help but ask, needs to know because getting this and losing it again might actually kill him, and yeah sure he'd still go for it either way, but he wants to at least know that he's fucking himself over.

"If we survive this, and that's a big if right now, I'm getting us both on a plane and we're going to get as far away from here and as we can, whether you want to or not, I'll stuff you in the cargo hold if I need to." He grins in a way that says he's only half teasing. "I'm not letting go of you again Tozier."

"You're gonna regret saying that in ten years when I'm attached to you like a fucking barnacle."

"Maybe, but at least then I can't forget you." Eddie shrugs. "I'm not letting that happen, I'm not going to forget you again, and if that means a permanent Richie growth attached to my side so fucking be it."

Richie grins. "That's beautiful Eddie Spaghetti."

Eddie rolls his eyes. "I'm a romantic what can I say."

"Nothing, just kiss me, dude."

"I'm not doing all the work here, this ones on you man."

That’s fair, Richie doesn't need to be told twice.

He leans down, forever loving the height difference, taking Eddie's face in his hands and kissing him, trying his best to be gentle, hoping he can pour all his super gay emotions into Eddie and maybe be able to function for once.

But Eddie's impatient as always, pulling Richie towards him, hands digging into his hair, one of his legs going between Richie’s thighs.

It's all the permission Richie needs to kiss him how he wants to, to show Eddie how desperate he is, how badly and constantly and wholeheartedly he's missed him.

He kisses him like a man dying, like a man in a desert who just saw a Jamba Juice, like Thomas Edison offered a chance to electrocute an elephant.

Woah. Okay, that last one was kind of a boner killer, it's enough to still him for a second.

Eddie pulls back at his hesitance, anxiety quickly taking over his face. "Oh shit, did I do something wrong- or did you change your mind-"

"No no no you're good." He rubs up and down Eddie’s arms soothingly. "I just remembered that time Thomas Edison killed an elephant, kinda messed up my rhythm."

Eddie looks fucking aghast at that. "What the fuck Richie? Why are you thinking about that right now?"

"I'm pretty sure I have ADHD, I forgot that on my list."

"Yeah, no shit you have ADHD I could have told you that." Eddie snaps, he brings up a hand to rub at his temples, it's pretty cute. "God how do I still have an erection right now."

Richie attempts to smirk but it's probably too goofy and in love to be effective. "Because you think I'm sexy."

Eddie looks back with a pretty equally ridiculous expression. "Yeah for some reason I fucking do."

Eddie leans in and kisses him, deep and slow, one hand coming up to stroke his knuckles over Richie’s jaw and sideburns. He bites at Richie’s bottom lip, tugging it playfully between his teeth, he lets go and breathes out: "But I swear to god if you bring up Thomas Edison or any other elephant related historical atrocities again I will leave you with the worst blue balls of your life."

"I am appropriately terrified." Richie smiles, leaning in to kiss him again, stopping occasionally to pepper kisses along his jaw and cheeks, taking special care to kiss his cute little mole at least three times.

"You're never appropriately anything," Eddie responds, fingers trailing up under his shirt, Richie shivers.

"That's accurate."

"But I still fucking like you." Eddie pulls up Richie’s shirt, taking it off over his head with only slight fumbling.

"It's my pheromones, I'm like Kaspbrak catnip." Richie is now pulling Eddie's stupid fucking polo shirt off, breath catching in his throat. "Wait, hold up why are you ripped? Edwardo why are you fucking ripped?!"

He suddenly wishes Eddie hadn't taken his shirt off first, wishes the pudge and signs of his poor lifestyle choices were still safely hidden away.

Eddie blinks, looking like he's trying to collect his thoughts. "Uhh, pilates mostly?"

Richies not sure why that makes him feel so relieved. "Oh you fucking nerd, I thought you were like lifting dumbbells at the gym for a second."

Eddie curls his nose. "At that cesspool of bacteria? No thank you."

Richie laughs, leaning back down to kiss Eddie again, feeling high with the reality that he can _do that now,_ he runs his hands up Eddie's sides, feels the muscles contract and twitch under his hands, hears Eddie gasp a little against his mouth.

"Pants off." Eddie orders leaning back, face flushed and leaning towards desperate, red creeping up his neck, breath uneven.

Richie, of course, scrambles to comply, shucking his jeans off and throwing them across the room.

Eddie rolls his eyes, sliding off his pants and making a show of folding them, as if he isn't as eager as Richie is, as if he doesn't know how to get messy just as much as the rest of them.

"Batman? Seriously Rich?" Eddie teases, eyes flickering down to his old and fairly tattered boxers.

"Well if I knew I was getting laid I would have dressed up some more. Didn't really think my teenage boyfriend would be jumping my bones in my hotel room."

Eddie pauses at that, looking thoughtful. "Was that what I was? Your boyfriend?"

"I- uh... I don't know, I guess? We always just said we were friends messing around"

"I was scared."

"Yeah so was I."

And he remembers wanting more then anything to hold Eddie's hand, walking down the street eating ice cream and Eddie looks over at him and smiles, and Richie feels the space between them like a chasm and he knows if he jumps they both end up dead at the bottom, so he knocks their shoulders and ignores the way want curls hot in his stomach.

He remembers when Bill got his first girlfriend after Bev and talked about her nonstop, everyone would look at each other like 'oh here he goes again', except Richie would be looking at Eddie and trying not to feel too bitter.

Trying not to resent Bill because Richie can't be the love-struck kid that he gets to be, that he can't go on and on about how soft Eddie's hair is, the way the sun catches his eyelashes, how when he's with him he never wants to leave. He would sit there pressing crescent moons into his palms as they teased Bill about being a sap, no one knowing that when he kisses Eddie he has to remind himself to breathe.

Eddie steps forward, eyes locking with his, flaring bright with sudden confidence. "I'm not scared anymore, I mean of the clown and dying and- and- germs and shit yes of course I am, those are fully legitimate fears, but not you and me, it just seems..."

"Like _destiny~_?" Richie sign songs playfully as Eddie trails off.

"Something like that." Eddie kisses him, tongue in his mouth, running along his bottom lip.

Then, he pulls away and suddenly goes down to his knees.

Richie’s eyebrows fly up. "What are you doing?!"

"Sucking you off?" He says, staring up at Richie like it's obvious and Richies an idiot, which, yeah okay, both of those things are technically true.

"You hate doing that."

Eddie rubs his nose along the noticeable tent in Richie’s boxers, looking up at him with fake doe eyes. "It's been a long-time Rich, maybe I missed your dick."

Richie looks up at the ceiling and wills himself not to come right then and there. "You're gonna kill me Eds.'

"Death by dick sucking, what a way to go."

He's not wrong.

Eddie's slender, pleasantly warm hands run up along his thighs, making him actually shake a little bit, finally, he reaches Richie’s boxers and pulls them down in one quick motion.

Richie let's out a whine as the cold hotel room air hits his dick, but quickly the whine deepens as Eddie wraps his lips around the head, licking at his slit in a way that drives him fucking crazy, he digs his fingernails hard into his palms to keep his hands from tangling in Eddie's hair, pulling him closer, needing more.

Then Eddie goes deeper, only making it about halfway down once or twice before he has to pull away gagging. "Sorry, I'm a little rusty."

"You're fucking perfect."

Eddie's eyes go wide and soft at that, he looks away, a smile on his lips, before diving back in, still only able to go halfway but he has his hands working the shaft and it's good it's so fucking good.

"God Eddie," Richie says, punched out and breathy. "Fuck you're so good, so beautiful so-"

Eddie goes down a little farther, eyes wet, somehow still managing to look pleased with himself.

"Eddie- so good for me, baby, so good." Richie is blabbering, hand stroking through Eddie's hair.

After an embarrassingly short amount of time Richie starts to feel that warm curl in his stomach, he pulls Eddie back and takes a deep breath, staring up at the ugly popcorn ceiling, thinking of evil clowns and Eddie's mom and whatever he needs to so he doesn't come right there.

"Rich?" Eddie's voice is hoarse, but also a little uneasy, it sounds so young. "Was that not? I thought-"

"No no baby you were so good." He pulls Eddie up, peppering kisses everywhere he can reach. "So good, I just didn't want it to end yet."

"Oh." Eddie somehow still blushes at that. "You were close...?"

"So close, and I wanna-" Richie stops himself, maybe this is all that happens, they haven't discussed it, he shouldn't assume.

"Fuck me?" Eddie supplies, eyes looking bright with mischief again. "Is that it Trashmouth? You wanna fuck me?"

"If you want to?"

"I haven't gotten fucked in a quarter of a century, yeah Richie I fucking want to." He pauses. "Wait do you have-"

"In my suitcase, front pouch, condoms, and lube."

Eddie stares. "What? Why?"

"I couldn’t remember much, but I knew there was a guy here I liked, so I figured better safe than sorry."

"What a fucking boy scout," Eddie says, reaching over to grab the lube and condoms.

"What can I say, I'm an optimist."

Eddie turns back with the supplies in hand, they make eye contact and Eddie smiles, sudden like it's startled out of him, real and soft, like turning and finding Richie there still feels like a surprise. "You ready?"

And before Richie can nod it's like reality hits him, that he's face to face with the most important part of his young life, the only piece of Derry that stuck with him long enough to still hurt.

Standing there in his cute little briefs, surprisingly ripped, but still as nervous and awkward and bitchy and _Eddie_ as ever.

If he has to kill a fucking clown to get a second chance at this then he will.

And if he has to ditch his friends to drag Eddie out of here he's pretty sure he'll do that too, and he wants to hate himself for that but not nearly as much as he wants Eddie alive, wants Eddie for the rest of his fucking life if he'll have him, wants to make up for every lost second.

Eddie's expression goes from sweet and excited to worried in their too long moment of eye contact. He walks over to where Richie is sitting on the bed, standing bracketed between his knees, he takes his face in his hands and wipes away tears Richie hadn't even realized he was crying. "Shhhh hey it's okay man. What's up?"

"Sorry." Richie chokes out, trying to smile. "I can't believe I'm crying, this is gross I'm so sorry dude."

Eddie rolls his eyes for probably the millionth time since he's seen, Richie. "Dude our lives have just gone off the fucking rails, you'd have to be crazy not to be kinda fucked up about it."

"It's not even that." He lets out an unsteady laugh. "I just can't believe you're here and you're still you and you still-"

"I still...?" Eddie prompts.

"Want me? Like I want you, I feel like I'm gonna wake up any second and you'll be gone and this will have been the saddest wet dream ever."

Eddie leans in, eyelashes fluttering closed, lips an inch away from Richies. "I fully believe that you've had sadder wet dreams, Tozier.”

Richie lets out a surprised laugh. "Oh, so Spaghetti's got the jokes huh?."

He grabs Eddie by the waist and throws him down, grinning at the little shriek he lets out, the whole hotel is going to know what they're up to and wow what a way to come out.

"And I even write my own material," Eddie says with a smirk, looking up at Richie where he’s propped up over him.

"Ooh, low blow Kaspbrak."

"Lower than your constant jokes about my dead mother?"

"Can you please not mention Mrs. Kaspbrak in bed? I can only get so hard."

Eddie makes a disgusted noise at that, digging his fingers in below Richie’s ribs like he used to when they would play fight as kids, Richie goes down with an 'oof', falling against Eddie.

He groans. "Aw man, you didn't even beep me first you just took me down."

"You deserved it, also if you don't beep me soon I'm going to lose my mind." Eddie's lips are against his ear and Richie shivers.

"Oh fuck yeah, don't have to ask me twice."

"I feel like I've asked you like a hundred times now." Eddie bites at his earlobe. "Fuck me, Richie."

"Oh fuck yeah."

Richie pulls himself down, stopping at Eddie's briefs, looking up for permission before he pulls them off.

Eddie huffs. "Since when are you so careful? Fuck me, Richie, fuck me like you used to fuck me, stop treating me like I'm made of glass."

"Sir yes, sir." He starts to pull them off, slowly but not hesitantly, teasing him with the slow drag, taking a moment to admire the way patch on the front of his briefs. "You wet for me, baby?"

Eddie makes a choked off breathy noise at that, Richie gives himself couple quick strokes, unable to help it at the fucking _noises_ Eddie makes.

Richie finally tugs the briefs off fully, Eddie's cock popping out, looking almost painfully hard, leaking at the tip, Richie leans forward to lick the precum off the head, looking up at Eddie to see him turn and bite off a noise into the hotel pillow, knowing he must be getting far gone if he's forgotten the germs involved there.

"Next time wanna take you somewhere you can make as much noise as you want, want to make you scream."

"Richie." Eddie half cries out. "Please."

"Please what baby?"

"Touch me." Eddie breathes out, hips bucking up looking for any kind of friction.

Richie spreads Eddie's legs, loving how easily and eagerly he opens for him. He hums appreciatively. "Beautiful."

He squirts the lube on his fingers, way too much, then tries to surreptitiously wipe it on the sheets, Eddie doesn't notice and Richie kinda misses the lecture, maybe he's a little fucked up like that.

Then he's pushing into Eddie, slowly, living for the way he keens, hips jerking forward. "Richie oh my god Richie-"

He doesn't want to interrupt Eddie saying his name because _fuck_ he could listen to that for days, but a thought occurs to him and he has to know. "You ever do this yourself Eds?"

Eddie looks away, seeming embarrassed, which is funny considering he had just been begging for Richies dick and has two fingers unabashedly in his ass. "Uh yeah maybe, once or twice, in the shower."

"Oh fuck that's hot." Richies hips hitch a little bit, fucking desperate to be driving into him.

Eddie's eyes flicker back to him. "It is?"

"Obviously dude, the thought of you finger fucking yourself in the shower is gonna be life long spank bank fuel."

"Gross." Eddie says, but his pleased little smile says otherwise.

Richie leans over and kisses Eddie's inner thigh, loving the way he twitches against his lips. He looks back up, still staying between his legs, and pushes his fingers in deeper, crooking them and watching for Eddie's reaction until-

"There! Richie holy fuck don't stop don't you dare." Eddie's hands are fully curled in the sheets, twisting them as his hips buck, trying anything to chase that feeling. Richie brings up a hand and presses it against Eddie's hips, holding him down, noticing briefly how big his hand looks against his more slender body.

Eddie looks down, eyes going somehow even wider. "Oh fuck, Richie your fucking hands."

Richie smiles, slowly pushing his fingers in and out of Eddie. "What about my hands?"

"Used to- used to have fucking dreams about them Rich, how fucking big and long your fingers are, fucking eigth grade science class and we're partners and I'm getting a boner because of your fucking _hands_." He says it all in a rush, like he's been wanting to say it for so long and not like he literally just remembered he wanted it.

"You never mentioned that when we were hooking up as teenagers."

"Didn't want you to know how fucking desperate I was for you _all the time_, god you could literally fuck me so good I'd cry." Eddie gasps as Richie’s fingers curl again, just barely grazing his prostate, he shakes his head like he's trying to stay focused. "I had- I had to keep a little of the power in that relationship."

"What are you talking about man? You had all the power, I was wrapped around your little finger-" Richie slips in a third finger with a grin. "Would have done fucking _anything _for you."

"Good to know." Eddie gasps out.

"Still would." Richie murmurs, not looking at Eddie as he says it, leaning in again to kiss his inner thighs.

"Rich." And Eddie's voice is so soft and sweet, Richie wills himself not to tear up again.

Eddie threads his fingers into Richie’s hair, pulling it a little so he has to look up, has to see that Eddie's eyes are a little teary too, that they are both equally ridiculous and lame.

"Come here." He says, pulling Richie up, letting out a choked off gasp as Richie gently pulls his fingers out of him.

Eddie kisses him, biting at his bottom lip, then presses their foreheads together. "I'm ready Rich."

"You sure-"

"Come on dude." Eddie pulls his hair a little harder. "Fuck me Tozier, before I see if Ben would be willing to fill in."

Richie gasps dramatically. "Oh Edwardo the cruelty you throw at me... can I at least watch?"

Eddie huffs. "Shut up and fuck me, dickhead."

"So shall it be done." Richie pulls himself away just long enough to put on the condom, thanking god that this isn't one of the many, many, times he fumbles it.

He turns back to see Eddie watching him, legs spread, flat on his back, a sight for sore eyes if there ever was one. "How do you want it?"

"Just like this." Eddie pulls him closer, so they are chest to chest. "Want to be able to see you."

"Don't know why the fuck you'd want that but I live to serve." He lines himself up, bracing himself over Eddie.

"Because I think you're hot, dumbass."

Richie blinks, actually thrown by the sudden genuine sounding compliment. "Oh. Yeah. Thanks?"

Eddie rolls his eyes, then Richie pushes into him a little and his eyes roll back, mouth dropping open in a gasp. "_Oh_."

"You good?"

"Shut up- just- just give me a second to adjust."

"No hurry." Richie leans forward and mouths at his jawline, feeling Eddie's skin damp with sweat underneath his lips, he sucks a little at his throat, feels rather then hears the whine he makes.

"Rich." Eddie chokes out, hands tangling in his hair.

"Yeah, baby?" He murmurs against his neck.

"_Move._"

And someday Richies going to really consider how much he enjoys Eddie bossing him around, but today he just listens, slowly shifting his hips forward, wishing he could have the sounds Eddie's making on loop in his head forever.

It would make things like banking and grocery shopping difficult, but he would make it work.

He pushes in a little farther and feels Eddie jolt, hands scrambling against Richies back.

"T-here there holy shit Richie."

Richie grins, slowly pulling out a little and then snapping back in, soaking in the way Eddie just clings to him, saying his name over and over like it's the only word he knows. His name on Eddie's lips has always been his favorite thing.

He hits Eddie's prostate again and Eddie nearly screams, burying his face in Richie’s shoulder like that can hide it.

"Not gonna last long Richie." Eddie gasps out, cock hard against Richie’s stomach.

"Me neither," Richie admits, he wants to, wants to fuck Eddie into the early morning, wants to leave him stumbling when he tries to walk tomorrow, wants Eddie to feel him for fucking _days_.

But it's been a long time, a long time since Richie got laid at all, but a thousand times longer since he's felt like this, since he's been desperate and aching for someone else.

Since its been Eddie, no one has ever made him feel half as much as Eddie does.

He sets up a steady pace, the bed creaking rhythmically underneath of him, the whole hotel is probably being kept up by them but Richie’s way too far gone to care.

"Touch me," Eddie demands, lips meeting Richies in an almost painfully urgent kiss.

Richie, of course, does what he's told, hand going to Eddie's cock, barely stroking him at all before Eddie's coming, panting breathless against Richie’s mouth, short fingernails digging into his shoulder blades as Richie fucks him through it.

As his orgasm shudders through him he tightens around Richie, and that combined with the obscene noises Eddie's making is all it takes for Richie to go over the edge.

He feels Eddie's fingers stroking through his hair, Richie’s hips giving jerking abortive motions, too overwhelmed to keep up any sort of rhythm.

"Look at me." Eddie murmurs, sounding almost drunk.

Richie does, eyes not breaking away from Eddie's, drinking in the way Eddie's pupils are blown, the tears in the corners of his eyes, how fucking _tender_ he looks at him.

When he finishes he half collapses on Eddie, panting as he tries to fill his burning lungs. God he's fucking old, can't even dick a dude down without turning into jello after.

Eddie shoves at his shoulder, Richie grunts as he rolls off of him and onto his side, now softening cock pulling out with a noise that sounds incredibly loud in the quiet hotel room.

As soon as he's flat on his back Eddie curls around him, not seeming to care about how gross and sweaty Richie is, hasn't even ordered him to go get a face cloth (the post orgasm Kaspbrak special). For the moment he seems content to just catch his breath, warm and solid against Richie’s chest.

The room is silent, the two of them not talking for the first time since he walked into the restaurant and saw Eddie, had that knee jerk reaction to do fucking anything to get his attention, to prod and tease and annoy him, becoming the same pain in the ass teenager he used to be in seconds.

He's not sure who Eddie's been for the last twenty odd years, but in his gut he knows it's not the same person that slipped out after his second glass of white wine, the one who has bitched at Richie every opportunity he's gotten, eyes lighting up like he's picked up an instrument he played as a kid and can't believe he still knows all the chords.

Like he can't believe he's still the person who learned them, that all of that shits still in his head.

It's exactly how Richie feels when he finds Eddie's buttons are all still in the same places, that he still knows exactly how to get a reaction, the book of Eddie as learned by a dipshit teenager stupid in love with him.

It takes him a second to notice, too lost in his own dumb thoughts, that Eddie's uneven breathing has turned into him shaking against him, he moves back quickly, expecting to see tears on Eddie's face (which he could understand, life is- kind of a lot right now for all of them), but he realizes Eddie's laughing, smile wide and a little wild.

"Gonna let me in on the joke Spaghetti?"

Eddie stops laughing long enough to give him a stern look, belied by his messed up hair and sweaty glow. "You can't call me 'Spaghetti' after you just fucked me."

"What would you rather Eduardo?" Richie says with a matching smile, feeling thirteen and eighteen and forty all at once. "Darling? Light of my life?"

"Maybe my name? For once?" 

"You'd miss my dumb nicknames."

Eddie's expression flickers, finally settling on a smile, he looks up at the ceiling. "Yeah, I would."

Richie kind of wants to gloat but mostly he just feels really warm. Maybe this is what happy feels like? He can't really remember. The most he's gotten in the last couple decades is 'content', he'd started to wonder if maybe thats all happy is when you're grown up.

Eddie laughes again, like it's bubbling out of him. "I'm just- I'm just so gay dude, I had to come back to kill a murderous clown to realize I don't like women."

"Life's weird." Richie offers, as though it's enough to cover the fucking Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory boat scene that is their life.

"Yeah, it fucking is." Eddie breathes out another laugh. "It's so weird. That used to stress me out but now I'm thinking- I'm thinking maybe if anything can happen at any moment then that means we can just- go for it, you know?"

"It?"

"Like- life, you can find patterns and assess risks but then life can just- change, like that." Eddie snaps his fingers, but he does a really shitty job of it just like he always did as kids, Richie knows slightly better than to tease him about it right now. "Might as well be brave, right?"

"You've always been brave." Richie says, and it comes out so painfully sincere that he almost wishes he could take it back.

Eddie's smile goes a little shaky, Richies arms tighten around him. "You guys were the only ones who ever thought that."

"Cause everyone else is fucking stupid, that's why Losers stick together."

"I thought we stuck together because we were social outcasts?"

Richie snorts. "That too, but I stand by what I said about everyone else being the actual worst."

Eddie laughs a little, the room falling back into comfortable silence, a concept Richie had kinda assumed was a myth, Eddie's soft fingers trace shapes on his chest.

This morning he hadn't known Derry existed, only knew Eddie Kaspbrak as a grainy face in a photo his eyes always seemed to fall back on. Sometimes- sometimes he would stumble back from a bad date, or be left alone after a break up that he knew was long overdue, and he would sit on his bed and look at the picture, feeling a profound sense of loss that he couldn't begin to understand.

And now he knows where that feeling came from, but that's a whole different shade of overwhelming, it's hard to know how to miss someone you can barely remember, but the idea of losing Eddie now, him_ dying_ when every aspect of him is still vivid Technicolor in Richie’s mind, is fucking _unbearable_.

"Eds?"

"Mmm." Clearly too content to even bother correcting the nickname.

"I don't want to die in fucking Derry, man."

And it's true except it's not what he wants to say, isn't 'I don't want _you_ to die in fucking Derry'.

He doesn't want to come on too strong, y'know? They're butt naked and just had sex but he's gotta keep up some illusion of subtlety.

Fucked out Eddie had looked content, but now the anxious crease between his brows is quickly returning, he frowns. "Yeah no shit Rich, I don't think most people do."

"So let’s leave. You and me, tomorrow morning first thing."

"Rich-"

"I know what Bev said about us dying down the line, It getting us like It did Stan, but at least that's not dying tomorrow dude." He breathes in a shaky inhale. "I can't fucking risk losing you this soon after getting you back, I just- I just fucking can't."

Eddie moves in closer, eyes wide and sad, Richie’s arms tighten around him. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Let’s go. First thing tomorrow. " Eddie makes a face. "I don't want- you know I don't want to leave the others but- we made that promise as kids- they have to understand-"

"Fuck 'em." Richie says, he doesn't mean it, but he wants to, wants to not feel guilt chewing away at his already poorly taken care of inner organs. "We don't owe it to anyone to die fighting a demon clown in a fucking sewer in Derry Maine."

"You really hate this place huh?" Eddie says, smiling but it doesn't nearly reach his eyes.

"Yeah," Richie admits readily. "But I'm still glad I came back to this -possibly literal- hell-hole."

"Seriously?" Eddie laughs incredulously. "Dude we were just attacked by giant spiders with baby faces."

Richie cringes at the memory. "Okay yeah, point Kaspbrak on that one, but it was still worth it."

"Why?"

"Oh come on man, you know the answer to that." Richie half rolls his eyes.

"Yeah but maybe I want to hear you say it," Eddie says, grinning like a little shit.

"Well I got to see all my old friends and woah Ben sure has gotten hot and we had some great Chinese food and- OW!" Eddie had reached over and pinched his nipple. "Okay okay, also I got to see Eddie Kaspbrak and kiss his cute little face and fuck his brains out, so yeah, worth it."

Eddie's smile grows, cute little blush coloring his face. "Dork."

"I know you are but what am I?" Richie sing songs.

"A pain in my ass-" Eddie points at him sharply, Richie’s mouth already opening in a retort. "I don't want to fucking hear it Trashmouth."

"But baaabe, you can't just set me up like that and not expect me to go in for the layup."

Eddie curls his nose. "Don't say sports things at me."

"Come on, even after that three point shot from half court?"

"My dick is fucking wilting, fucking withering away with all this... basketball talk? Is it basketball?" Eddie frowns thoughtfully, little dimples showing up when he does.

Richie feels a familiar spike of fondness in his chest. "God I fucking love you."

That somehow seems to startle him, even though he knows, even though Richies pretty sure he's made it _very clear_ that he's just as stupid in love with Eddie Kaspbrak as he was at thirteen (And sixteen and eighteen and even in his twenties and thirties with all his memories buried, it was always there).

Eddie looks away, mouth curling in an expression between sad and happy and thoughtful and worried. Richie knows Eddie's combo looks well. "You- you know I do too, right?"

Richie’s breath hitches almost painfully in his chest. "Still?"

"Duh. I sucked your dick Richie, do you have any idea the mental hurdles that requires me to jump through? I wouldn't do it for someone if I didn't..."

"If you didn't...?" And Richie feels selfish for how badly he wants to hear it.

"You _know_," Eddie says, exasperated but still smiling.

"Maybe I want to hear you say it." Richie echoes Eddie's earlier words with the same bratty grin.

Eddie huffs out a laugh, lightly pinching Richie’s ribs. "Asshole. I love you."

It seems to punch the air out of Richie’s lungs, he tries to laugh but nothing comes out. He finally manages to croak out; "Well you know, you are what you eat."

He expects Eddie to tell him off for ruining the moment, but instead he just blinks and it's like Richie can see the grey squishy stuff in his brain trying to process what he's saying. "Wait is that actually... actually something you'd be into?"

"Eddie Spaghetti you dirty bird," Richie says almost proudly.

"I feel like I should think it's gross but it just sounds-" He makes a face. "Kinda hot?"

Richie leans forward and kisses him, only moving back to nuzzle against his cheek. "When we get out of here I want you to sit on my face and I want to eat you out until you're fucking crying."

"Jesus Rich." Eddie breathes out, the air from it warm against the side of Richie’s face. "Any other fantasies you wanna get off your chest?"

"Oh, Eds you have no -idea-." Richie bites and kisses along his jaw, grazing his teeth against his adams apple in a way that makes Eddie shiver. "We've got a lot of lost time to make up for."

"Yeah, we do." And his voice sounds a little sad but Richies pretty sure it's just the way he feels sad, lost time aching in his chest, the loss settling heavy behind his ribs.

"I really do fucking love you, like- it's kind of embarrassing how much, totally ruins my cool detached reputation." Richie murmurs it all in a rush against his neck, anxiety twinging in his chest, still waiting for Eddie to pull away, to change his mind.

He had a boyfriend once in college, they dated for a year, six months in the guy had said he loved him and Richie never managed to say it back, when they broke up he was told he has 'intimacy issues', that he doesn't know how to be 'vulnerable'.

But with Eddie he feels constantly vulnerable, piling on joke after joke to hide the fact that he has felt like a raw nerve, like an exposed wire, since he was thirteen and Eddie climbed into the hammock with him, all bare legs and warm skin against his and Richie had felt transparent, like the way he felt had to be written across every inch of him, that if Eddie got too close he'd realize how intensely Richie feels, would be scared away by the sheer breadth of his want.

"You've never been cool or detached," Eddie says with a smile. "I don’t know who’s been lying to you."

And he's pulling Richie closer, like he can't stand any space between them, and Richie realizes that of all people on earth, of course Eddie Kaspbrak would understand feeling _too much_, Eddie's always been too much, bursting at the seams with wild energy and neurosis and emotions way too big for his little human body

Richie pulls him as close as he can get him, and promises himself, swears to anyone that may or may not be listening, that he's gonna get Eddie the fuck out of Derry, whatever he has to do, whatever that means for their future.

And even if they leave here and forget everything he's gonna keep Eddie Kaspbrak tucked up against him so close he can't be forgotten, gonna carve his name into his fucking chest if he needs to.

That dickhead clown doesn't get to take this, not again, not if Richie has literally anything to say about it.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: they don't leave Derry, but Eddie doesn't die, idk I might write more on this but I'm very slow and never finish anything so no promises tbh, but if you like it let me know and I might try?


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